banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
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Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
There’s always that one guy
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.