When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
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Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.