“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
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sigh
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
ouch
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Ghost costume 😂
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.