This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
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Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.