Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
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“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.