CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
You Might Also Like
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.