It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
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Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.