*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
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Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Omg 🤣
found my next D&D character name
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.