“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
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Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Me checking my bank balance online.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.