ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
You Might Also Like
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
welp
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts