I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
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Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.