In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
You Might Also Like
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
She was REALLY feeling it.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”