teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
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Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.