“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
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getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
look at me when i’m typing to you
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
They’re not wrong