My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
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Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Simple enough.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.