If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
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Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
#Caturday
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that