“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
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My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.