It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
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How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Incredible customer service.