Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
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they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
☺️
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit