I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
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95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night