Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
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As the Lord intended
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
All generalizations are stupid.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
New favorite tiktok
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything