A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
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Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin