My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
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I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no