Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
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3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
*power walks to the refrigerator*
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
They did not miss in the small print
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son