BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
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My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly