“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
You Might Also Like
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.