Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
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‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.