Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
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I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones