Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
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Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
how it started vs how it ended
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.