I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
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I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
you gotta be faster
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.