Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
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All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening