My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
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my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?