Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
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Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*