My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
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I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for