the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
You Might Also Like
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.