Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
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I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.