is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
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ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
My last name is Zilla.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”