You Might Also Like
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total