Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
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I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.