me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
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Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Breaking news:
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Lmao the reply