The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
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My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying