[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
You Might Also Like
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*