Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
You Might Also Like
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
My background check bounced.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.