THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
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This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Said the murderer.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
the last thing a carrot sees
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Pandas 🐼🖤
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”