Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
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I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.