Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
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[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Bruh PLEASE
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn