trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
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I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Ummm
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*