Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
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My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?