leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
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Accurate
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Damn he played himself
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.