ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
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When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Okay
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.